I missed you today...

I missed you today...

I missed you today; as I often do when my heart is breaking. On the tough days I find my mind in a fog with only the memories of you.

I repeat so often to myself "it's not fair!" and "you should be here with me, mommy!". I find myself repeating it more often these days.

My dreams are filled with you. Distant visions inside my head of you that for just a moment, seem real. It's almost breathtaking how in my dreams I feel your touch as if you are right beside me.

Our talks is something that I miss the most. You never judged me but instead you understood why I'm the way I am. You always reassured me that it was okay to be different, that everyone isn't meant to be the same.

These days I can't stand to look in the mirror most of the time. I'll never understand how this emptiness can keep growing. It should be better by now, or so they tell me.

I am lost, mommy. I don't know what to do now. Nothing feels normal anymore, home doesn't feel like home and most days even though I'm exhausted I'd rather just go to work than stay home on my days off. I don't wanna be here, it's not the same.

The need to push myself because of the promises that I made you is what drives me. I think I would have gave up by now if I wasn't so determined to keep the last promise that I made you.

I look back and I swear, I think you knew it was your time to go. The conversations we had, the things you told me and tried to prepare me for. I didn't understand then but I do now.

I missed you today, mommy - just like every other day. It's hard and it hurts me. I put on a smile for the world but deep down, when I'm alone I feel like I'm drowning. The things that made me happy before, don't now.

I've asked myself several times if maybe I'm falling apart, maybe I've just finally gave out after all this time. I quickly reassure myself that I haven't gave out yet but I don't know anymore.

My life has been one rollercoaster ride after another. The pain I've endured mentally and physically is more than most people twice my age have experienced in a lifetime.

I know that God has to have a plan for me or I wouldn't be alive right now. There is no doubt that he has to have a purpose for me.

Most of all though, I pray that I can see you again someday. That for even a moment that I can embrace you and tell you that I love you one last time.

I'll keep fighting and I'll keep pushing for you, mommy. You have my word.

I'll love you until my heart stops beating.

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