I’m someone that tries her best to give people every chance possible to do the right things, even if it hurts me.
I’m there for everyone when they need me (unless something happens and I just can’t be). I support people, offer them a shoulder to cry on, listen, give and help but I never say a word or brag about it.
This blog isn’t to brag about what I do for people, I just want to clarify that. There is a point to sharing this – keep reading.
As most of my readers know, I began college at the beginning of this year. My life has been hectic since day 1. I rarely have time to even worry about myself. I signed up for all of the classes that I needed to become a RN, I didn’t space them out; I’m doing it all! Every day is consumed with focusing on my future.
Through all of this I have noticed how people in my life have changed. Some for the better and some for the worse. I’m not really sure what has caused this change. The only thing I can think of is that I’m not able to “give” as much as I was prior to being consumed with college.
For the first time in my life I’m actually having to devote time to myself. I feel like people are upset by this because I can longer cater to their every whim.
Something that has became for common lately is: placing the blame on me. If I’m having a argument with someone it automatically becomes my fault or this person can justify every way possible the reason for their bad behavior. With that being said, I know I’m not always right but I also know that when I’m setting their completely being silent when I want to scream to the top of my lungs is pretty much a sign that I’m not doing anything that could be “my fault”.
Another new thing is “Andrea, I want you to talk to me about it, stop hiding what you’re feeling.” I then proceed to talk about what I feel and then guess what! The person proceeds to tell me why what I’m feeling is wrong. I’m not sure when this person became a psychic but apparently they have because they now can read my mind and actually tell me I’m wrong about what I’m feeling because I’m not feeling that at all…. (that was sarcasm).
Needless to say, I’m at the end of my rope with people. True colors have been show and continue to shine through the fog that has clouded my mind for years now. It’s sad but sometimes it has to happen like this. I know people change but I also know that people have a way of hiding who they are to get exactly what they want.
Everyone isn’t out to take your money or use you for materialistic things. Some people just want you around because you make them feel good, they might think they can’t have anyone better or anyone else – things like that. It’s all still very selfish because it causes you to waste your time and attention on someone that is just hiding who they really are.
Commitment scares me. Why? Because I can’t trust anyone for the exact reason I just mentioned. People have became so good at hiding who they are that you don’t know if you’re in a room with someone that could beat you to death or not.
I know good people exist. Like I said, I give people every chance possible to be a good person. Actually, too many chances.
I’m almost 30 years old and my story is a long one. I’ve been through things that would make anyone have nightmares. I refuse to live my life in fear, uncomfortable and not knowing what will happen when my family leaves this world and I’m alone with someone (regardless of who it is).
I’d rather spend my life alone, focusing on myself and making sure that I’m where I need to be with God and in my life and focusing on being the best person that I can be than to spend my life surrounded by people that keep showing me that they have been hiding who they really are for years and I didn’t even realize it.
Do you see how scary that is?
I remember when I married my ex husband, this was pretty much what happened with us. He changed, I changed and his true colors began to show and I looked at him in bed next to me one night and realized I was laying next to a stranger. I didn’t know him at all. I spent the following days trying to fix things, trying to get him to let me in, trying to get him to just show me what he was hiding. When he finally began to spill the beans I found out so many things that made me physically sick.
Now that I am older, I am different. I stand up for myself, I fight for myself and I do what I need to for myself even if it breaks my heart for a little while.
I hope this helps someone. Just know, no matter how terrible your life is or what you’re going through or if you’re going through something similar to what I explained – you’re not alone.
It’s okay to put yourself first. The people that get upset over it or change when you do are the ones that wasn’t really in your corner to begin with.